This was originally posted on my Instagram page (@alliebarnesyoga) in two parts back in December. For convenience and easy reference, I’ve decided to publish it here on my blog as well.
I’ve thought about sharing some difficult things on here lately, and have honestly gone back and forth, but I want to let it go, and sharing seems like the best way to do that. So let’s talk about depression and anxiety.
This is not new for me. Adolescence into adulthood. Eight years ago I began trying to manage it with different medications and supplements. Good times, bad times. It got really bad while serving a mission for my church, to the point that I needed to come home early. A loved one once told me that I should drink more green smoothies to feel better, unaware of the very real dark fog over my entire life, and the self harm I was hiding from every person I knew. I was both afraid to be seen and ached to be seen. I’ve had a couple close people walk out of my life because they “didn’t want to deal with my anxiety.” Those experiences in particular greatly tainted my sense of self worth, particularly in relationships. Gratefully, life is far better now than it was then.
For the most part, I feel great now. (The “how” is a different post for a later time). But the last couple of months have been tough, and a couple weeks ago I found myself in a darkness that I hadn’t seen in years. That fog came back. Some days I didn’t leave the house, and the days that I did leave the house, it was brief. One day I forgot to brush my teeth until 5pm (sorry!) and showers didn’t always happen. I missed my dear friend’s wedding because I just couldn’t do it. I felt alone, I felt anxious, and I just couldn’t show up, even for myself. I’m grateful though that because I’ve done this before, I was able to start climbing out of that fog pretty quickly.
Overall, 2016 has been incredible. I’ve felt immense love and been shown the sweetest kinds of love. I’ve followed my passions and dreamed a little bigger for my life. The last couple months have been a blur though, and those last couple of weeks have been the lowest I intend to go. So here is to letting go—to putting it all out there and letting it go. Here is to light, hope, strength, and joy in the year to come. Intentional, cultivated, created light and joy. Namaste.
photo by gary barnes